About Courage

Courage is not fluffy.  I'm learning that if you choose to have courage in life,  you will find yourself in situations that are truly shitty.  Perhaps the things you dreaded, the worst case scenario, will come true.  But when you get to that point, you may realize that your cells stay intact, the involuntary nature of breathing is in your favor and there is more light than you imagined there would be when you thought it would be all that bad.  This is when you find yourself in a dance with the devastation of failure and the awareness of being completely alive.  You're caught off guard by the beautiful moments you never saw coming, filled with people and things you never knew you could love.   Eventually, what you hoped courage would lead you to, your dreams, find their way to you, all at once or trickling down in droplets, and you meet yourself.  The fully You who no longer pretends.  No longer needs to.    

She Was Alive.

When the iPhone struck midnight, they all raised their glasses up, down, in, out and chug!  They had created together, accomplished together, and now they celebrated together, their project and her birthday.

He wouldn't tell her what the shot was, this mystery Birthday shot.  He didn't have to.  He was a true character in her life, one whom she once believed to be her nemesis, since, grown to see him as a trustworthy friend.  Someone who could buy her, Little Miss Lightweight, a Birthday shot, not tell her what it was and she'd down it.

She did.  Or tried to, anyway.  Turns out it was Jamison.  She drank it in three tries, spilling maybe a quarter of it all over the place as they all sang her Happy Birthday.  Next thing she would know, she and the room would be spinning together as another friend twirled her around, leading her in dance.  Then, the next thing after that would be that she... that all of them... were dancing on the table tops.

If It Be Your Will

Last month, a friend posted a clip on facebook from the Leonard Cohen documentary "I'm Your Man".  Antony is singing this song, "If It Be Your Will".  I'd never heard it before, but I've heard it so many times since.  I don't like it as much when Leonard Cohen sings it himself, but this version that Antony sings causes something inside me to look up as if someone has called it by name.  Like roll call in the classroom of a favorite teacher, my soul responds, "Here."

If it be your will 
That I speak no more 
And my voice be still 
As it was before 
I will speak no more 
I shall abide until 
I am spoken for 
If it be your will 

If it be your will 
That a voice be true 
From this broken hill 
I will sing to you 
From this broken hill 
All your praises they shall ring 
If it be your will 
To let me sing 
From this broken hill 
All your praises they shall ring 
If it be your will 
To let me sing 

If it be your will 
If there is a choice 
Let the rivers fill 
Let the hills rejoice 
Let your mercy spill 
On all these burning hearts in hell 
If it be your will 
To make us well 

And draw us near 
And bind us tight 
All your children here 
In their rags of light 
In our rags of light 
All dressed to kill 
And end this night 
If it be your will 

If it be your will.